I’m scared to care to much, to be happy too much, and to believe everything is going to be okay.
I’m scared for many reasons. I’m scared that I’ll be back to where I was before. I’ve come such a long way and now In going back. I’m scared that you only want me because your lonely or bored, but the biggest thing that scares me is that maybe you might just might actually miss me and want me back.
I’d rather you just admit that your lonely and your bored than you actually liking me.

Today was a good day. At first it started with some anger when I saw you with that slut whore who is as easy as a child’s game. I was quick to think of something to ask her, then you came over and stood next to me the whole time but that bitch wanted to take you across the street but you still stayed. Honestly that made me happy. Lol when Ruben was like don’t you know not to girls you were like no then two seconds later you asked me if I ever get bruises from you cause you wouldn’t want to leave bruises on me awww. I pulled a Hassan on you when you were like I’d punch you in the face and I asked you if you really would and you were like I’d never do that, no matter how mad I am. Muahahahaha! I like how you used the excuse of you making me late to class and you keeping my backpack just so you can stay with me. You freaking weenie! I hadn’t hung out with you in such a long time but that was fun honestly even of all we did was get brunch together then walk around. I like how when we were in the cafeteria and I touched your neck you couldn’t go anything cause we were in public! Haha! I like the way you made fun of me when i said it was hard to drink and walk at the same time. Then you apologize for being an asshole to me sometimes. I forgot about what we talked about cause non of it made sense but I guess that the perfect part. I thought it was really cute when you asked “do you still have all those picture we took” and when I asked which ones (even though I already knew what you were talking about) you got all AWKD about it, it was so funny! I like how you kept talking about your hair and how you missed it, I like how you went through all my pictures and notice that I have a lot of land scape pictures. I really like the pictures we took. Not just the one before fourth but the one durring 6th. I liked hanging out with you durring 6th that was fun just running up and down the hallways then you giving me a piggy back ride, and when i asked you if i was heaving you said no your still the same like when i used to carry you back then. You getting all flirty tickling me and shit but I liked it. I like all of it but I’d rather not believe it to not raise my hopes.

So in conclusion everything we did today was a lie. You did all this cause your lonely, you can get at anyone else, you’ve realized what you lost and you regret it (of so I want to believe), you know I’d always be there for you. Your trying to get into my pants again but will fail cause I won’t let you. Or your trying to fuck with my brain again. Or maybe just maybe you actually miss me but like I said I refuse to believe it. Cause if I don’t do right for me who will. Fuck off and stop disturbing me from pretending like im happy.

I think I just let go.
When you were hugging me, I felt nothing.
Staring in your eyes, saw nothing.
When you talk to me my heart pulse continues normally.
When you draw things for me I’m not really happy, I’m thankful.
After school when you were walking with that one of many whores it didn’t bother me.
Nothing you do affects me anymore.
I’m happy on my own & no one can disturb that again.
Thanks for all the memories & for always being there for me when i needed you I’ll always remember that.
But don’t think I gave up cause I didn’t. I just let go of something that had already let go and was only dragging me in the dirt.
Bye I’m walking away i have a date with the future. too bad you couldn’t be part of it but i guess that’s how it had to be. ✌😘

I’ll learn to let go, & move on
meet new guys
Make new memories with them
Share smiles
Go through hell
We’ll fight, cry, then make up again
Be all cute and shit
Stay up late talking
Hang out and do nothing
Have stupid conversations
But as much as I wish they could… they could never replace you, and all we went through together.

The sad part is that any girl could replace me in a second.

So….Fuck you!

I’m not perfect, I wish to be. If I was perfect maybe you’d want me instead of that bitch cunt slut beaver shit faced whore. I mean EWWWWWWWW. The reason you probably like her is cause shes easy to spread her legs. She’s so fucking ugly! But clearly you like bitch cunt slut beaver shit faced whores! Btw I don’t wish the best for you! I wish the complete opposite for you and your bitch whore! Fuck you you dumb mother fucker! I could get someone way better than you … but you, ohhhh you could never find someone half as good as me. I’m better than your ex, your next, & the rest.

The times I spend with you wether its 2 seconds or 30 minutes it’s enough for me. When we’re “together” the whole outside world melts away. It’s like theres a cloud clearing a path and I almost even for a split second I see that you still care for me like I care for you. As much as I wish to be with you, I know right now is not the right time maybe in a year, maybe in 20 years but when your ready I’ll be here. I told you id always be here for you. That’s a promise. I know of anyone ever heard they’d criticize saying that i should move on, that your no good, that i can do better. & maybe i should move on, you might be no good for me, and maybe i can do better but I’m as fucked up in the brain or maybe even more than you are. The outside world doesn’t see that, they don’t see me. They only SEE YOU and the wrong you do. Never focused on the right you do. I honestly can say I’ve never focused on the right things you do either. Even after all the times you screw up remember I’m still here. Don’t question why or how just know.
If anyone has a problem with that, they can fuck themselves to me this is what seems right. I don’t ask for approval or opinions I’m my own boss.

I’m not always happy but that doesn’t mean I need a guy in my life to make me happy.
I don’t want any commitment. Taking that on is a huge responsibility, I know I’m tired of being lonely but I’d rather be lonely then get with someone just to make me feel better.
I don’t like anyone at the moment, I don’t allow myself to. I don’t allow myself be happy, cause when I’m happy my hopes shoot up through the roof.
Second of all I don’t think I could be happy with anyone at the moment. Some where deep down inside I still care about that stupid idiot. I shouldn’t cause he hurt me more than anyone ever could but I still do.
Because of him I trust no one, I’m scared of all commitment, and i hate the male species.
But because of him I look at no one the same as I look at him. He may have broken me down but I trust him with all Ive got.
We may never get back together but for now I just need to love& care for myself, before I can do that for someone else.
So if I’m happy right now, fuck off & leave me alone.

“you called me a pothead yesterday,… I was like WOW. Even after all this time that’s all she sees, that’s all she notices, that’s all she cares about. Im disappointed in you. You don’t even trust me cause the first thing you asked when you saw me was ‘are you high’ and when I said no you looked at my eyes to see if my pupils were dilated. AND then you always say shit about me under your breath or when I’m far away so I don’t hear you. I remember all this you know. That hurts you know.”

Make me feel like a bitch. Hold everything I say against me. I already know I’m selfish, conceited, stupid, stubborn, ignorant, cruel, self centered, but most of all naive. I don’t need you making me feel like a bigger piece of shit.

There’s days like this where I feel like a fucking magician. I trick myself into believing that you still like me. I start thinking about US. I let my mind wander like the wind, it eventually turns into a tornado. Causing damage to nobody but myself. By the time I realize the damage its too late, i feel I’m stuck under all the emotions pulling me down, trying to crush me. Its my own fault. I should have known better, I should know by now, I should stop opening old bruises.
“STUPID ALEJANDRA” is all that’s going through my head.
When will I learn?!.

I say what’s on my mind. I’m not asking you to agree with me, I’m not asking you to listen.
When I say what’s on my mind I’m not asking for your opinion, permission or approval
what I say is what i say because I’m like an open book, I don’t hide anything. It’s up to you if you want to read what’s inside thought.
When you “read” you will find I say a lot of stupid shit. I constantly look back and wish I never said it. I make mistakes. Don’t judge me, you have no idea what I deal with on a daily basis.
But of course your going to judge me why wouldn’t you? I’m not like you, your deff. going to criticize.
Go ahead I’ll stand here. I’ll stand right here listening to the shit you have to say about me. Tell me my insecurities, my issues, my weaknesses, tell me everything that’s wrong with me.
But when your done…
And you might feel like your above me cause you put me down…
Just know…
Someone else already gave me shit and still…
I’ve been told, reminded but I’m stronger than that to let it get to me.
The question is how much stronger can I be before I give up?
But for now I’ll pretend like I don’t care. I’ll put on my ftw I can take the world on my own attitude. 🔫